I’m from South Carolina, and I’m not a racist. Well, not really.

I was born in Charleston, SC in the early 1970’s. It was the time when cars were ugly and chugged gas like it was air, disco was coming into its own, and Mankind was putting a semi-permanent space station in orbit. ‘Modern’ was becoming more modern all the time. Yay microwaves!

My father was born in raised in Charleston, and my mother in Texas. Southern back as far as the generational eyes could see. I was exposed to the same sort of racist diatribes, racial profiling, and racist jokes everyone else was. My actual stockpile of racist jokes is pretty impressive. Stereotyping aside: What the hell spurs this? Not everybody with dark skin is lazy. Hell, most white people I know are easily the laziest suckers I know. And you can’t tell me most of the other stereotypes have any real basis in reality.

I understand the theories of ‘different is scary’ and I realize segregation, self-imposed or state-mandated, simply widens the gap. But what causes this deep-seated loathing/fear/ridicule that still hangs on so tightly?

I grew up in an area where there was a pretty even number of blacks to whites. I went to school with a large percentage of poor and middle class and the cafeteria had all shades of brown and pink. Most of my friends were white, though I had a large number of black friends. (Ironically, the only friend from high school I have talked to at ALL in the last several years is one of my black friends.)

The segregation then, as I suspect it is now, is mostly self-imposed. Like tends to stay with like, for better or worse. There is security, there is commonality, and there is safety in the known. But most of what I remember about growing up in a large, diverse group is the safety and security of never feeling out of place or ’surrounded.’

How is it I see little if any progress in my 35 years? I can talk to anyone. I say this because my wife points out to me I WILL talk to anyone. I grew up around black people, but I seem to be at ease around hispanics, asians, and pretty much anyone I can communicate with. Human nature being what it is, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised things haven’t changed much.

I’m really writing this, not because some jack ass in Fort Mill, SC thinks Obama MAY be the anti-christ, I ‘m not writing this because the number of black people my kids are exposed to on an annual basis is shy of what I saw every day at school. No, I’m writing this because I had hoped, as an idealistic teenager, and again as a brand new father in my 20’s, my n-word using grandmother might see the day when something really anti-racist, really dramatically egalitarian, might happen before she moves on to her reward.

And so, at the root of all of this is what I feared before I started this cathartic process of writing about my shame of familial racism. I have guilt reflected from my grandmother’s racism, and I want to erase it in the largest, most blatant way possible.

I want to call my grandmother on November 5th and tell her the man I voted for, the BLACK man I voted for, beat the old white man.

And that’s what happens when you let a boy ejaculate in your vagina.

To be fair, this title is not original. I stole it from a friend of mine. The Braswells are about to have their first child (well, their first OWN child-they pretty much consider ours theirs) and Patrick has a great story he tells about his mother. His mother, Mrs. Patrick’s Mom, worked for the health department at some point in the past. She apparently dealt with (for the purposes of this story) young women who thought they might be pregnant. Patrick tells a story of how his mother was assisting a pair of young ladies who had dropped in for a pregnancy test. One was there for the test and one was the moral support. (Or immoral depending on your view of premarital sex. I like the view just fine.) Patrick’s mother walked in the room with the test in hand and exclaimed “Which one of you is going to have a baby?” The not-quite-mother-to-be burst out crying and Patrick’s mom said “And that’s what happens when you let a boy ejaculate in your vagina.”
This story has many levels. It is multi-faceted. I can only hope its meaning sticks with me until I die, as it is such a simple story with such a powerful message. There are consequences to all actions. Whether it is unprotected sex in the back of a 1986 Taurus or kicking the hornets nest you thought was empty, physics will get the last laugh. It’s the equal and opposite reaction we should be on the lookout for. Think about it. If you make a movement, physics dictates there will be an equal move, and another, OPPOSITE move. You have to think two steps ahead. It’s like remodeling. You need to know where you are going and what you plan to do because in the end you have to layer these things correctly or the drywall is gonna look like shit. And it doesn’t matter how hard you try and how many times you measure, you are gonna screw it up at some point. Humans are careless, reckless, and generally unobservant to an alarming degree. Everyone does it. You know what needs to happen, or what you are supposed to be looking for, and bam, you miss the turn. Or you cut through the live wire in the wall. Or you let a bay ejaculate in your vagina.
Coincidentally, there are alot of babies being made right now. I know of several couples at various stages of reproduction. To these people I say “Good luck” because you need it. I know. Three has really done me in. Some days I can feel myself aging at an alarming rate. You think “Let’s have a kid or five. It will be fun.” You don’t think “Who needs sleep.” or “Well, I guess we can squeeze all the kids in a sedan…” I have been a parent for over twelve years and there are still days I stare at my wife and wonder what the hell we were thinking. We had no idea this particular action was going to have this kind of equal and opposite reaction. Damn.
I would like to take a moment and discuss the word consequences. This word has been given a bad rap. It’s because too many people hear it in the same sense as a punishment or terminal event. A consequence of sex is often children. This is good and bad. Kids rock. I love my three demon-spawn. The photographing of DNA had the consequence of giving Watson and Crick the Nobel Prize. Not bad. Certainly not a punishment. I am just saying that the consequence of an action is just a reaction. It is the next logical step in the process. And by logical I mean nowhere in the realm of logic…most of the shit that happens in this universe has little care for logic and its baggage. Which I guess makes this entire entry bullshit. What is the consequence here? probably comments from Dwight or Joel calling me a pessimist or cynic.
I love babies.

Hell is other (close-minded) people

Let me begin my saying I have my own issues with discrimination. I don’t like stupid, close-minded people. I am not a big fan of people that believe they know the mind of God. And people that refuse to embrace others due to a difference in skin color or origin deserve a special sort of hockey punch. But, I am starting to wonder about people’s grasp of the english language in reference to sexual orientation. Godhatessweden.com is a website dedicated to warning all good christions about the perils of living in Sweden. You see, God hates Sweden because Sweden is a tolerant country. You can be gay there. The man responsible for this website (as well as godhatesfags.com, godhatesamerica.com, and the baffling godhatescanada.com) is Pastor Phelps. (By the way, Sweden seems to be doing fine. They have a society that is consistently considered one of the happiest. And you have seen their bikini team. Way to show them, God!) You have probably seen him referenced on CNN or the Daily Show as the man responsible for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. He and his congregation (mostly his own extended family) go to the funerals and protest because the soldiers died while defending the US, a country which promotes sodomy, incest, and pedophilia. I know my local congressman is disappointed I haven’t been sodomizing as much as I used to. But really, I am in school and working a full time job. Plus I am raising three little sodomizers. And incest doesn’t just happen, it takes a village to raise ‘em up right. My question is why the passage in leviticus is so important, almost to the exclusion of all other things. They ignore the prohibitions against eating pork. I can not find any religiously based websties called godhatesbacon.com. (There are a few vegetarian websites with similar titles, but they mostly ignore the biblical aspects.) These people come across as uneducated, uninformed, and full of hatred for no reason except their patriarch is a paranoid freak who probably had a bad experience when he was a child. They actually seem to have forsaken enough of the bible that anyone who has picked it up and turned to any part of the old testament would be hard pressed to take them seriously. But, the part of all of this I can’t stand is when Pastor Phelps looks at the families of the dead soldiers and says they are going straight to hell. How can someone who is gay go straight anywhere? By his own statements homosexuality (and its defense) is an unforgivable sin. Are there unforgivable sins? I was always led to believe, even by my very conservative and close-minded acquaintances, that forgiveness was always available. I had a sunday school teacher who very specifically told us that anyone, no matter how full of sin, could be forgiven. “Even Hitler,” she said, “who slaughtered millions could be sitting in heaven right now if he asked for God’s forgiveness and accepted Jesus into his heart.”
So I am to believe a man who touches another man’s penis for any non-medical reason is a greater sinner than Hitler? That if I were to stray and have one, single homosexual encounter I might as well give it up? I am on the train to hell? I can think of a lot of people who should be concerned about me straying and committing this sin. Because I am around some HOT guys sometimes. And I am often horny. And if this happened, well, aggravated faggotry is such a bigger sin than say, murder, and I do want to off a few people who have been pissing me off…It would seem silly for me to stop there. I might as well start coveting the neighbor’s wife. Or ass. Or wife’s ass. Hey! I just had a recovered memory of the time in high school where I made out with the dreamy quarterback and we went to third base! (Sorry for the baseball metaphor + football player!) I have to run! So much coveting/killing/lying/disrespecting of the parents/stealing/idol making to do I just don’t have enough hours in the day. Good luck! Watch out for fags, dykes and just plain sodomizers! You never know when something ‘unexpected’ might happen! And then you are destined for hell no matter what! So kill some people! Yay!

And you think you’re S.A.D.

Global warming sucks. There. I said it. I am sick and tired of 50 mph winds, random and drastic temperature fluctuations, and the inability of anyone to predict the weather to within 10 degrees from one day to the next. I know, the weather changes radically constantly in places like the mountains of western NC. But really. If you call yourself a meteorologist and announce the next day is going to be in the lower 70’s and the high is MAYBE 63 in the sun and out of the wind you should really place your degree back in the Cracker Jack box, turn in your toupee and go back to the adult film industry. Gay porn misses you and wants you (on your) back. Conversely, I am constantly duped by the weather man and proceeded from the house kilted up for the day. It was no problem, I have often thought my nuts would look better behind my ears. I don’t know. There is supposedly a chance of a ‘wintry mix’ this weekend. I know it is still March, but what the hell? It was 76 friggin degrees yesterday. I am baffled. I almost makes me think there is a god and he/she is delighting in watching my weenie shrink up to about a dollars worth of quarters. (Thanks to my spiritual advisor Colin for that reference.) I guess it helps I am off tonight. I am gonna drink a beer and stay under a blanket.
Also, I discovered facebook the other day. Fun! Also, I have decided this blogging thing isn’t as silly as I once thought. I mean, it’s silly and all, but I might stick with it.

The Alpha Post (Not about Britney, her head, or her vagina)

As a first post, I am tempted to include words like Britney, shaved, head, Samuel L. Jackson, Stephen Colbert, porn, teen, Gonzales, Bush, bush, W., Edwards, Ann Coulter, Fag, O’Reilly, Limbaugh, and Blog. Having allowed my blog to be linked to such search engines as Google, this list would probably get me some action even though I am just a pantsless freak in the mountains. However, I will not stoop to such levels of blatant pandering and abject trolling. There is no way I could include this list in good conscience. So unless these names/words become pertinent to some sort of post I make  I hope to never use Britney, shaved, head, Samuel L. Jackson, Stephen Colbert, porn, teen, Gonzales, Bush, bush, W., Edwards, Ann Coulter, Fag, O’Reilly, Limbaugh, and Blog in any manner than absolutely necessary. So, I promise that will never happen.

(Well shit. I took a moment to reread this post and realized I may have already let myself down. There is a good chance this WILL trip up an engine. It might be result number 1.7 million of 2.4 million, but I still feel as though I really screwed the pooch. Figuratively. So far.)