And that’s what happens when you let a boy ejaculate in your vagina.

To be fair, this title is not original. I stole it from a friend of mine. The Braswells are about to have their first child (well, their first OWN child-they pretty much consider ours theirs) and Patrick has a great story he tells about his mother. His mother, Mrs. Patrick’s Mom, worked for the health department at some point in the past. She apparently dealt with (for the purposes of this story) young women who thought they might be pregnant. Patrick tells a story of how his mother was assisting a pair of young ladies who had dropped in for a pregnancy test. One was there for the test and one was the moral support. (Or immoral depending on your view of premarital sex. I like the view just fine.) Patrick’s mother walked in the room with the test in hand and exclaimed “Which one of you is going to have a baby?” The not-quite-mother-to-be burst out crying and Patrick’s mom said “And that’s what happens when you let a boy ejaculate in your vagina.”
This story has many levels. It is multi-faceted. I can only hope its meaning sticks with me until I die, as it is such a simple story with such a powerful message. There are consequences to all actions. Whether it is unprotected sex in the back of a 1986 Taurus or kicking the hornets nest you thought was empty, physics will get the last laugh. It’s the equal and opposite reaction we should be on the lookout for. Think about it. If you make a movement, physics dictates there will be an equal move, and another, OPPOSITE move. You have to think two steps ahead. It’s like remodeling. You need to know where you are going and what you plan to do because in the end you have to layer these things correctly or the drywall is gonna look like shit. And it doesn’t matter how hard you try and how many times you measure, you are gonna screw it up at some point. Humans are careless, reckless, and generally unobservant to an alarming degree. Everyone does it. You know what needs to happen, or what you are supposed to be looking for, and bam, you miss the turn. Or you cut through the live wire in the wall. Or you let a bay ejaculate in your vagina.
Coincidentally, there are alot of babies being made right now. I know of several couples at various stages of reproduction. To these people I say “Good luck” because you need it. I know. Three has really done me in. Some days I can feel myself aging at an alarming rate. You think “Let’s have a kid or five. It will be fun.” You don’t think “Who needs sleep.” or “Well, I guess we can squeeze all the kids in a sedan…” I have been a parent for over twelve years and there are still days I stare at my wife and wonder what the hell we were thinking. We had no idea this particular action was going to have this kind of equal and opposite reaction. Damn.
I would like to take a moment and discuss the word consequences. This word has been given a bad rap. It’s because too many people hear it in the same sense as a punishment or terminal event. A consequence of sex is often children. This is good and bad. Kids rock. I love my three demon-spawn. The photographing of DNA had the consequence of giving Watson and Crick the Nobel Prize. Not bad. Certainly not a punishment. I am just saying that the consequence of an action is just a reaction. It is the next logical step in the process. And by logical I mean nowhere in the realm of logic…most of the shit that happens in this universe has little care for logic and its baggage. Which I guess makes this entire entry bullshit. What is the consequence here? probably comments from Dwight or Joel calling me a pessimist or cynic.
I love babies.